So, You Want to Know an Introvert

So, you want to know an introvert? Great. Perhaps you’re fascinated by their enigmatic charisma, their reflective, insightful nature or their zen-like calm and serenity.

In any case, you can’t approach an introvert the way you would a normal human being. Forget making small talk. Introverts are very bad at it. Making small talk with an introvert is like dancing with a one-legged paraplegic. Neither partner looks good.

By design, introverts are difficult to know. They’re like animals that live underground, moles or gophers. If you smoke them out of their holes, they become ornery and uncooperative. You must go down into the hole with them, where it’s dark and cool and scary.

I don’t believe in slut shaming, but extroverts are socially promiscuous and indiscreet.

The hole of which I speak is the introvert’s psyche. As the term implies, intro-verts are intro-spective. They pay as much attention to what’s going on in their minds as to what’s going on in the world around them.

The average extrovert considers introverts dull for their seeming lack of social interest. This is a myth. Introverts don’t lack social interest; rather, they prefer to be social in a different way.

I don’t believe in slut shaming, but extroverts are socially promiscuous and indiscreet. Anyone with a pulse will do. Not so for the conversationally chaste introvert. You must offer something of real value to warrant their attention. When you discover what the introvert most cares about, you will have the Rosetta Stone needed to enter into the introvert’s mind.

When you engage an introvert based on his or her passions, a radical transformation takes place.

An introvert’s interests may be commonplace or esoteric, serious or salacious. Progressive left-wing politics or the BDSM practices of 16th century Tibetan Buddhist nuns. Cross-country skiing, or the influence of French post-modern existentialism on late twentieth-century reality TV shows. Healthy plant-based eating, or psychic inter-species communication with deceased extraterrestrial pets. The introverted mind knows no bounds and has no limits.

When you engage an introvert based on his or her passions, a radical transformation takes place. The formerly tight-lipped and mysterious introvert becomes a conversational juggernaut. The floodgates open and a verbal deluge follows. Mark my introverted words.

Having navigated out of the realm of small talk and into the territory of the introverted psyche, you’ve crossed the Rubicon into uncharted territory. You’ve found the pay dirt you’ve been searching for.

But this is just the beginning. The introvert is likely to remain circumspect until you prove you are worthy of their time and attention. Long-term residence in the introvert’s psyche requires loyalty, commitment and trust — you must offer all these things or you will be found wanting. You will be just another socially promiscuous extrovert.

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