My Life as a Singleton
For better or for worse, I’m married to my own life
It’s funny how in life you end up in places very different from the ones you had expected to. You start out believing in societal myths about how things are supposed to be, and you assume that those myths will some day become reality. And when they don’t, you look back and say, “WTF!”
One myth that I mistook for reality is the myth of the “soul mate,” a special one-and-only for whom I would be their special one-and-only. The mysterious process by which two people would meet in real life, fall in love, and live happily ever after always seemed vague and far-fetched to me. The notion that two people would naturally and spontaneously meet and have reciprocal romantic feelings seemed about as likely as two asteroids crashing to earth at the same time and in the same place.
Nevertheless, like many others, I persisted in the belief that love was out there somewhere and that all I had to do was somehow find it — and spend a small fortune in the process. That’s not a belief I share anymore.
To be sure, I have known people who have found their one-and-only, a fact that fooled me into thinking that if it can happen to them it can happen to me. That’s like assuming that someone winning a billion dollars in the lottery proves that you can too be a winner. Theoretically possible, but probable?
The notion that two people would naturally and spontaneously meet and have reciprocal romantic feelings seemed about as likely as two asteroids crashing to earth at the same time and in the same place.
So, armed with little more than blind faith in my ability to find True Love, I set about exploring every dating avenue available. The dating industry is a big and lucrative one, presenting relationship hunters with many options. I tried all of them: speed dating, all the rage for a while; meet and mingle events; Table for Six, a yuppie dating service; every dating website in existence; Craigslist personals, when they were still around; and several dating coaches costing thousands of dollars. I even moved to a different city!
Yessiree, I pulled out all the stops, persevered against the odds, dealt with frustration and disappointment that would have driven a Roman centurion to his knees. What came of it all? Not much. Unless you consider a few bad short-term relationships and some lukewarm sex the kind of results you’d feel inclined to write to momma about. My momma would have jumped out a window after reading an account of my dating trials and travails, so I never wrote her about them. Nor am I going to describe them in this lugubrious epistle. Suffice it to say that they were less than cheerful affairs.
I have adapted to single life and much to my surprise find it liberating and rewarding. I do miss having sex, however, I confess.
It amazes me that despite all the technological and entrepreneurial invention thrown at the Dating Problem, we have yet to find a way to reliably and repeatedly put a round peg in a round hole, that is, help people find their so-called Soul Mates. We’ve found nothing to replace the only thing that ever worked even slightly well for me, which was to form live connections with people via a shared social context, commonly referred to as a community, wherein people of like minds and interests freely meet and mingle and thereby sort themselves into dyads if they so choose. Sadly, we don’t live in a culture that supports communities in which people can converge around shared values, interests, and inclinations, except maybe for churches. I hate churches.
What all this leads to is the fact that I have been a single man for a very long time. Long enough, in fact, that I haven’t had sex in ten years. Nor have I had anything resembling a real romantic relationship in nearly twenty. I have become what in modern-day parlance is known as a singleton. The difference between a singleton and an incel is just one thing: singletons prefer their solo lives to coupledom. I have adapted to single life and much to my surprise find it liberating and rewarding. I do miss having sex, however, I confess. For sure, celibacy has not been a welcome part of being single.
In case you didn’t know, thanks in part to the pioneering work of Dr. Bella DePaulo, a Harvard-trained social psychologist, it is becoming increasingly common for people to forgo the world of coupledom altogether and to commit to solo living. DePaulo has become the leading authority and advocate on this topic, having authored two books about it, Singled Out and Single At Heart.
I’m not writing to promote her books, only to express my belief that single living isn’t some kind of second-rate lifestyle. In fact, it has sufficient advantages that for many make it preferable to partnered living. In my case, it became a matter of necessity thanks to several decades of earnest and fruitless looking, and making myself deeply miserable in the process. The myth of a sacred one-and-only finally wore itself out and the game was no longer worth the candle.
…it is becoming increasingly common for people to forgo the world of coupledom altogether and to commit to solo living.
While I am a lot happier now than I was frantically scouring the universe for Ms. Right, I do feel a longing for the kind of connection that a romantic involvement can bring. But I don’t pursue it like it’s the key to my happiness and well-being. When I find myself feeling down about not having a lover or partner, I remind myself of the compromises I would have to make in order to have one — the limitations on my freedom, the obligations, the inevitable drama, the sessions with a couples therapist, and so forth. That usually curbs my ardor for a monogamous relationship, at least for a while. You see, I’ve become seriously addicted to the singles lifestyle because it opens my life to so many possibilities. I leave the door open for a special person to wander into my life and compel me to give up my current lifestyle in favor of a monogamous relationship, but I’m not counting on it.
So, my parting words to you, frustrated seeker for the one-and-only love of your life, is: do not despair! A single, uncoupled life can be a good life, a happy life, and not a consolation prize for losers. Just focus your attention on what the freedom of being single can give you and before you know it, your dire need for a one-and-only will fade away as you lead your best life as a self-avowed singleton.
